A Valuable Skill
Clitoral massage is an excellent skill to have at your disposal when making love to a woman. While most couples engage in a little diddling of the vulva and clitoris prior to intercourse, few would consider making it the main course. If you really want to impress your female partner, consider making her the center of attention by giving her a clitoral massage.
Couples with temporary and permanent physical disabilities can employ clitoral massage. Pregnant women may experience an increased desire for sex and orgasm but find themselves unable to engage in vaginal intercourse. Partners with paralyses may not be able to perform the physical motions required of intercourse. Men who are impotent may still desire to give their partner sexual pleasure and orgasm. Teens and adults who are not ready to have vaginal intercourse can still give each other sexual pleasure. It is important to realize that sex can exist in the absence of an erection and intercourse.
Locating Her Clitoris
The first requirement of clitoral massage is knowing where your partner’s clitoris is, and what it looks like and what it feels like when flaccid and erect. The only way to learn these things is to go exploring. With the lights on, have your partner undress; she may want to wear a comfortable shirt. She should then lay on a bed, sit in a chair, or sit on the bed while reclining on some pillows placed against the headboard. Make sure that you have easy access to her vulva while ensuring you are both comfortable. Sit or kneel so you are facing her, usually off to one side. If she is sitting in a chair or at the end of the bed, you may want to sit in a chair or kneel on the floor. You can also have her sit between your legs, both of you facing the same direction. You need to get close to the subject at hand. You may also want to have a light close by, or a flashlight, to illuminate her vulva so as to be able to see everything clearly. You will also want to have a small handheld or freestanding mirror available so your partner can see her vulva and clitoris, and what you are doing.
Start by examining her vulva as it looks normally, with her outer labia at rest. Gently examine everything with your fingers. Caress versus poke. Notice the softness of her skin and pubic hair and the color and texture of her skin. Caress her vulva with the flat of your hand, your fingers molding to her body. If your partner has a lot of pubic hair, you may want to trim it with scissors. There is no need to shave the pubic area. Then gently spread the outer labia with your fingers, examine what lies within. Identify her inner labia, clitoris, and urinary and vaginal orifices. She can also assist by holding her outer labia open with one or both hands.
If you cannot identify her clitoris, ask her if she knows where it is and can point it out to you. Because of the vast variations in genital anatomy, some individual structures may not be easily identifiable, for men as well as women. There are women who do not have inner labia, or have only one. A well-developed clitoris will be easy to see, but many are so small and hidden by surrounding tissue that a woman may only know where it is by knowing where it is most sensitive to her touch, where she rubs while masturbating. If you both have trouble locating the clitoris.
Once you locate her clitoris, try to identify all it’s different parts: shaft\body, glans, and hood\prepuce. Depending on the size and tightness of her hood you may not be able to retract it far enough to expose the clitoral glans. If this is the case, you may be able to feel it under her hood. If her glans is small, you may only be able to detect the shaft of her clitoris when she is erect, but not the glans itself. There are shafts that are very thin and hard to detect. In this case, you may only be able to identify it when you feel it become erect between your fingertips. She may be able to tell you when you have grasped her clitoral glans in your fingertips if you are not able to feel it. Be very gentle when examining her clitoris, most are extremely sensitive.
Watch and Learn
The next step for beginners or as a warm-up for the experienced is for your partner to masturbate to orgasm. She should go slowly at first, demonstrating her different strokes, the amount of pressure applied, and frequency of her strokes. This is so you can get an understanding for what she likes and is most responsive too. It will take lots of practice and repeated masturbation sessions for you to become as good at masturbating her as she is. Her masturbating to orgasm before you begin the massage helps to put her in the mood and makes her more responsive to additional sexual stimulation. There are women who find their genitals overly sensitive after orgasm, so you may need to gently massage other areas of her body for several minutes before you begin or continue the clitoral massage. Some women are only able to have one orgasm in the beginning, so go slow and just try to make her feel good if you discover this is true for your partner. If your partner is reluctant to masturbate in your presence, this is perfectly okay and is not a requirement. Suggest it, but do not place any pressure on her.
To the women reading this please rest assured that masturbating in front of your partner is perfectly normal, a lot of women do it. Masturbation is not just a solo activity. Women are very beautiful when they masturbate and share their orgasms with their partner. You cannot do it wrong or make a fool of yourself. You will not lose any of the intimacy you experience when you masturbate alone. I believe most people know their partner masturbates, so you are not going to shock them by admitting to it, they most likely masturbate too. If you maintain eye contact with your partner while masturbating, I think you will be blown away by the experience.
Clitoral Sensitivity, and Lubrication
You know where her clitoris is, so now what you ask? Well, first I must mention clitoral sensitivity and the possible need for additional lubrication. The sensitivity of the clitoris varies greatly from woman to woman. There are women who experience pain if their clitoris is touched directly, others do not find their clitoris sensitive to touch at all. Others may require a very light touch in the beginning but need a firmer touch the closer they are to reaching orgasm. It is best to start out with a very light touch then slowly increase the amount of pressure as you see her become more aroused. Watch her body movements and listen to the noises she makes to see if you are applying too much pressure or not enough. Be careful, you almost never want to squeeze the clitoris tightly, perhaps firmly, but almost never aggressively. A few women may enjoy a firm squeeze at the point of orgasm, but talk to her about this before actually trying it. She will either see stars, or smack you across the head. Ticklishness can be an indication of nervousness or too light of a touch; have her breath deeply and relax.
Depending on the sensitivity of your partner’s clitoris and the amount of natural lubrication, you may need to apply additional lubrication before beginning the massage. Try it without at first, but if she pulls away or reports she is too sensitive, or feels nothing, apply a generous coating of lubrication to her entire vulva. Use water-based lubricants like K-Y Jelly. (Use of petroleum-based lubricants can result in infection.) You can also use the new silicone sexual lubricants; NOT the type used to lubricate cars etc. When you first try clitoral massage have additional lubrication on hand just in case. You will almost never want to touch her clitoral glans directly without your finger(s) being lubricated, but this may not be a part of the massage in any event.
You may also want to consider wearing latex or vinyl gloves. They will make your fingers very slick, which will come in handy if your partner’s clitoris is extremely sensitive, or if you have rough skin on your fingers. They also come in handy if you insert your finger(s) into her vagina during the massage, fingernails can scratch the vaginal walls. Most pharmacies carry vinyl and latex gloves and are an inexpensive over the counter item.
Maintain Physical Contact
Always maintain physical contact with the person receiving the massage once you begin. It is very disruptive of the physical bond that develops if you take both hands off her body at the same time, and placing them back can be somewhat of a shock. With practice you may become aware of the sexual energy that flows between you and your partner. Sounds strange, but it is true. Have everything you need within reach of your free hand. It is also a good idea to touch her knee, then slide your hand up to her inner thigh, then finally her up to her vulva, so as not to penetrate her personal space too quickly. Placing your cold hands directly on her vulva may be a shock and ruin the mood. Warm, in a bowl of warm water, any lubricant you may use prior to applying them to her vulva.
You will be massaging her clitoris using one, two, or three fingers. The size and prominence of her clitoris will determine how many fingers you use. If you are able to locate and feel her clitoral shaft with your fingers, you will use your thumb and index finger. If she has a well-developed clitoris you may want to use your thumb, your index finger, and the finger next to that. If you cannot grasp the shaft and glans of her clitoris because it is small or hidden, you will use just the tip of your index finger, or perhaps your thumb.
If you can grasp her clitoris with two or three fingers you will want to do the following. Very gently grasp the shaft of her clitoris with your thumb and index finger. Gently slide the loose tissue covering her clitoris around, primarily back and forth, getting a feel for the shape and firmness of her clitoris. Determine how much the tissue along her shaft slides around. You do not want to grasp the glans at first if possible; if her clitoris is small you will not be able to avoid it. As you slide your fingers back and forth along her shaft, the hood should also be sliding back and forth, stimulating her glans. Go slow and watch your partner for indications of whether or not she is enjoying what you are doing. Try to maintain eye contact with her if possible, or as much as possible. If you cannot tell by body language, then ask her if what you are doing feels good. Ask her whether you should be going slower or faster, or applying a firmer or lighter touch. After you make the suggested change, ask again. If she does not know, just experiment but keep communicating.
If you cannot grasp her clitoris, you will want to place the tip of your index finger on top of her clitoral body or hood. Experimentation will indicate which is most sensitive. You will want to gently move the tissue under your finger around in small circles, or back and forth to stimulate her clitoris. Hopefully you will feel the firm structures of her clitoris under your fingertip, when she is aroused and erect, even if her clitoris is really small and hidden.
Continue to stroke her clitoris. If she is enjoying what you are doing just continue in a steady rhythm. As she becomes more and more aroused you may want to slowly and gently increase the amount of pressure you are applying, but always be gentle. The speed of your strokes can vary to, very slow in the beginning, then possibly faster as she nears orgasm. Your fingers should always be grasping the loose skin covering the body of her clitoris, causing it to slide back and forth along the shaft. Continue until she reaches orgasm. As soon as she has an orgasm switch to a very very light stroke, as her clitoris is likely to be very sensitive, or move your fingers to her labia. After a couple minutes you can begin again or stop. Never stop the massage abruptly unless she reports she is too sensitive to touch, in which case caress her vulva or inner labia for few minutes. Maintain physical contact as she comes down from her orgasm.
Pleasure Yes, Orgasm Maybe
She may experience orgasm quickly and easily, but this may not always be the case. It will take practice and time for you both to get comfortable with this technique. You will want to limit the massage periods to 15-20 minutes if she does not experience orgasm initially. Make her feel good, but do not irritate her clitoris or strain yourself. You both need to be relaxed. If your partner is really enjoying herself but does not experience orgasm within 15-20 minutes, you can continue the massage for another 10-25 minutes, as long as you are both comfortable with it. Be careful not to make this a tedious act, if either of you become uncomfortable or frustrated it will ruin the moment and the sexual bond necessary for it to be a pleasant experience for both of you. If she does not experience orgasm and is very aroused, switch to a sexual activity that you know will result in orgasm. If she is only able experience orgasm while masturbating, allow her to do so, even if you must leave the room. If she is happy to just cuddle, that is okay too.
During the massage it may be necessary for the woman to be fantasizing about something sexual. It may be best if she does not think about the massage itself. If she does find that she needs to fantasize, she should try to have the same fantasy as when masturbating alone. She will probably need to close her eyes for this as her partner’s presence may distract her. This will be easier to do if the massage feels pleasurable, if not she should provide guidance until her partner discovers a technique that works for her.
Stimulating the Clitoral Glans
Depending on the sensitivity of her clitoral glans you may want to stimulate it directly, or indirectly through the hood. If her hood covers her glans, you can gently grasp the glans through her hood with your thumb and index finger. There are women who have a clitoral glans that is always fully or partial exposed. Depending on its sensitivity, you may be able to apply the tip of your finger directly to the glans, sliding it across the surface, using a very light touch and lots of lubrication. If a woman’s hood does not cover her glans, massaging the body of her clitoris by grasping the loose tissue there may not provide sufficient stimulation to the glans; in this case try direct stimulation. Some women cannot retract their hood to expose the glans, but if you place your finger at the opening to her hood and massage her clitoral glans, she may experience greater stimulation.
Vaginal and Anal Massage
You can provide a vaginal massage while you are giving a clitoral massage. While one hand stimulates her clitoris, the other can be used to stimulate her vagina. By inserting your finger into her vagina, and stimulating the top of her vaginal wall, pointing your finger toward her pubic bone, you can stimulate her G-spot, urethral sponge. The finger movement for G-Spot stimulation is the same as that when indicating to a person that is across the room that you want them to come to you, the palm of your hand facing up, creating a hook with your index finger. This can produce very strong orgasms and pronounced ejaculations of fluid from the urethra. You can explore the vagina and locate areas that are sensitive to digital stimulation, or she may simply enjoy the feeling of something being in her vagina, not moving at all, or very slowly. Caress the vaginal walls; do not just thrust your fingers in and out. You can insert more than one finger depending on her flexibility and desire to be filled. You can employ the use of dildos of different sizes and shapes. You can also insert your entire hand into her vagina, fisting, which can result in a very strong sexual response from her. This is often much easier for female couples as they usually have smaller hands. Fisting is an advanced skill that takes a lot of practice and sensitivity; a woman must open up for the fist rather than her partner pushing or forcing their fist in.
You can also incorporate anal massage. Initially this entails massaging the outside of the anus, no penetration. There are women who are more responsive to anal massage than vaginal massage, or they find the combination to be very intense and enjoyable. After massaging her anus for several minutes you can insert the tip of one finger, moving it slowly in and out. After her anus relaxes you can insert your entire finger, then more fingers if she so desires. A finger used to stimulate her anus should never be used to stimulate her vulva and vagina afterwards because of bacteria present in her rectum. The use of vinyl or latex gloves will allow you to switch back and forth, as long as you change the glove before switching from anus to vulva. Once her anus relaxes, you can insert a butt plug or a dildo with a flared base.
Basic Massage Tips
A good way to start off a clitoral massage is by giving a full body massage. Spend an hour warming up to the clitoral massage. This will help stimulate and awaken the nerves of the body and help both partners to relax. Use only a light gliding touch for this type of massage. Press down lightly with the flat of your hand, your fingers molding to the shape of her body. Never squeeze, something most people do while giving a massage. If you find an area of tightness, apply a light pressure while moving your hand(s) in a circular or back and forth motion. You want to slowly and gently dissipate the tightness, but do not spend a lot of time trying to release the tightness during an erotic massage. Start on the back of the body, at the head, and work your way towards her feet, have her roll over and do her front, from her feet up, never breaking the physical contact. Do not massage her breast or genitals until the very end. After massaging her head, facial muscles, work your way down to her vulva, stopping at her breasts and nipples along the way. Then begin the clitoral massage. For the massage turn the heat up and play some soft relaxing music. If she should fall asleep this indicates she is tired and needs to recharge. Let her take a nap or sleep through the night. If this occurs on a Friday or Saturday night, continue the massage in the morning. I recommend couples buy regular massage books, not erotic massage books as technique is more important than sexy pictures. A regular massage will be erotic if done correctly. While good ones are expensive, massage tables are great to have, especially if the person giving the massage cannot sit, or bend their knees, for any length of time. They also provide easy access to the person receiving the massage.
What I have presented here are basic guidelines to help a couple get started with clitoral massage. The intent of clitoral massage is to make her clitoris the center of attention. Since her clitoris is most likely her primary sexual organ, besides her mind, she is likely to find this sexual act very conducive to sexual pleasure and orgasm. Since women’s bodies and mental makeup vary greatly it is impossible for me to explain “how-to” for every couple. The only sure way for couples to figure out how to give and receive a clitoral massage is through open minds and practice. I have had women respond very favorably to this massage technique within a few minutes, but this may not be the case for all. Practice makes perfect.
Not Always the Secret
There are women who find their clitoris is too sensitive or totally insensitive to touch. They are perfectly normal. If you try clitoral massage and give it a fair try and it does not work, move on. Perhaps vaginal and/or anal massage may be pleasurable for her.